I am usually able to write and write and today I feel unwelcome in the world of writing and disfigured in some way distorted to the point I am not trusting my words. I feel I have yet began where I wanted to start again. Confused. Empty. I have to push myself to do this. I have set a goal I wish to accomplish. My goal will not be alienated and abandoned. So I write in effort to find my inspiration the voice I lay hidden and awaken when I see them in print. As I attempt to write and reread and proofread I find less faith that I will ever be heard by the audience I wish to reach.

I have wanted so many things in my life I obtained my high school diploma when no one suspected me. I attended junior college to get into a private college I have had to work hard and keep proving to those whose held no belief in me. I still pushed when it got down to it to never take no for the answer. Then I let my heart lead me and I became pregnant with our oldest and those dreams faded away so I could become the mother I was going to be. Struggle after struggle. Fight after fight. I held onto her tight never losing faith in my ability to be a good mother. Yes I have made mistakes and have admited those mistakes. I almost lost her because of stress and still being uneducated about taking care of myself.  No role models. No relative to give me the support that was needed. I was homeless living in a mini-van while the rest of my family laid in their fluffy beds. I have made my bed I told myself and I must lie in it. I found strength within me. Trusting who I wanted to be.

I am trusting myself now to write freely as my big heart allows me to share with you who I am or who I am becoming. Always learning something new in everyday and sharing with my family those things. I have this envision that I will give each child a book which will give them information in which they will seek when I am no longer with them or too afraid to personally ask of me.  I will do so in honor of my mother who I wish could answer some more of my questions and who is no longer with us. I feel as this is my duty because I have suffered through the unknowns and wish to have my mom’s book in my hands as we speak.  We all should hold these kind of books in our hands to pass down to generation to generation of woman to teach them who they are and where they come from rather than try to seek it out alone and defenseless. Every woman stories be shared and hopefully empowered to do something better than that of the past. Stopping the cycles. As in my family is abuse. Learning through their own families issues feeling apart of rather than just existing but existing with a purpose to share with the next generation to learn from. As we have learned abuse is a learned behavior that we sometimes just witness and unaware accept. Just as fathers too should write books for their sons to learn from passed down from generation to generation. We could then save families and develop a new love for family as we witness as it departs from the realm of society each and everyday. Families disappear everyday broken down and out of luck. Families teaching every generation that you will do as your mother has done and so forth.  We do not have to be a part of that. The risk is more widely known because of the record amount of people who suffer from drug addictions, sex addictions, and unknown mental illnesses that have plaque them. Everyone looks the other way when they notice someone struggle mentally..instead of lending support they play victim.  Through my eyes I have seen this myself way to often even with my own child. Why do we decide to not help our families anymore to give them courage to fight and find strength to overcome and recover from a mental illness? Or drug addictions?  I get really mad and emotional when I speak about this matter because we are all in this together and if one and every three people are affected by addictions and mental illness we should be in this together wanting it to be better, wanting families to stay together, wanting life for everyone to be good, and wanting to be proud of those accomplishments.