There was a moment of fullness in my heart, its weight upon me wrestled with my strength to carry it. I paused and closed my translucent thoughts and projected my fears and let them go with the breath of silence. I had to keep doing this. Pausing and closing off the hurt. I had to close my wet eyes and listen. I listened to nothing and everything all at the same time. My body resting and yet ready for anything. Finally, I gathered myself, sat up, and opened my eyes. All around me was the same yet something became very different. Me.
I come back to this day ever so often as not to forget that something whispered from deep within that high pitched squeaking swing, finely tuned with every consumed thought I had at the time. She was gone. Really she was. I had to keep telling myself this. I no longer was a good friend.
I might have been there that day for hours, for I do not know. I can only remember holding the handle of my car door for seven minutes to long and pausing for pushing it outward was unimaginable. Perhaps, a magnificent ray of light stretched out through the large maple tree and caught my attention as I made a path on foot on the gray stoned drive toward the unity of trees and tall swings. I could smell old charcoal burnt and fires left to burn.
I could not just climb onto the seat of that swing for I had not just seen it as swing. I saw my summers and heard my laughter. Anyone who seen me as toe head with blue eyes knew that just before sunset the wind would chase me down.
Our children have given me a source of grief over these last few years always desiring the best for them and anticipating their every need it never ends. I am bounded by my love for them to achieve as many of their dreams as I can. Some dreams are very simple and almost always cost nothing but a little extra time with them. Other dreams however are haunted by my own let downs as a child and I have begun to unravel the truth of the pain I had experienced and reliving the pain I had gone through in a much healthier way. When I was a little girl my mother would tell me stories of her pet goat and her horse and how they needed no fence and almost always were together playing in her yard. She spent everyday with her companions taking care of their basic needs. My mother would also draw horses and boy could draw horses. As I was a little girl I too started to draw those horses just like my mother inspired by her love I too wanted to feel that kind of love. Once I had been told that I will never be around horses it cut through me like nothing else imaginable. A few years later life altered by many different circumstances my mom became a single parent raising ten children on her own. She worked around the clock to ensure we were fed and clothed. As I was still a little girl with dreams that were dissolving so paper thin I sought her attention struggling to find who I was or who I was allowed to become. I signed myself up for basketball in hopes to capture her attention and that failed. I signed up for volleyball and once again those aspirations of becoming someone disappeared. Never once did I receive a ride to or from practices. Never once was my mom able to sit and watch her little girl play a single game. Dreams or attention. Lost in a world that squandered every single one I had envisioned. You know what happens next don’t we? I gave up. Started disrupting class time and running rampant through the school halls and screaming at anyone who would listen. My mom at the time had asked me what was I thinking I told her the truth if I got into trouble that means that I was warranted time with her. I think that hurt my mom and she did not punish me anytime I was suspended or sent home. As a little girl I wish I was able to see into the future and obtain a little more information about myself ahead of time because I was honest with my mom and always told the truth when she asked me what happened. If I would have known how the truth about how my mother felt would have helped me be a better me. I now have insight to what she had felt through those times unable provide nothing but shelter and food. I wish I would known the pain at a younger age as I do now as I am that struggling parent. I am that parent trying to provide more than just a home and food. I am that parent who has an extreme edge who is willing to fight for my children’s dreams and I recently have come to that realization of why I am so strung up and close to a breakdown attempting fulfill them before I am no longer in their graces to see their dreams become a reality. It perhaps is my greatest fear that I will be unable to see the joy that is felt because I have set a new pattern for our children to follow. A new cycle of love. A new way to be a better parent so they too can be great parents someday without the pain of losing dreams. It is a honor to be a parent, an honor. in which carves the lives of many grandchildren to become dreamers and doers. I set forth each and everyday pushing aside my own pain to help our children become who they inspire themselves to be. I set forth everyday to tell them they are loved more than loved in hopes that I have eradicated the years I have held onto my own dreams and aspirations only to watch them wash away to become a better parent for them.
The mornings fresh spring air was the best it has been in many years sparkling like ripples on the water full of opportunities and endless joy. They were all sitting still not sure if they should feel as anxious as they were feeling. Their hearts pounding and thoughts racing. Passing by familiar places and the destination unknown to them. They have known disappointment before and were not sure if this time it would be worse than the previous experiences. Then the road appeared to be slowly emptying to toward a tunnel of faith and dreams each child full of their own desires and wonder. The fence railing look familiar as all pictures recalled from memory lead them to believe that they were in fact embarking on some new adventure. The pebbles in the road seemed a little more bumpy than normal as it tossed one after another against the side of the road. Dust clinging to the side of our windows. Breathes seemed to get louder as we began to see the dance of the sunlight against the bodies of horses running along every held breath and the closer we got to the end of the drive confused half asleep children asked many questions anxiously awaiting answers. We exited the van and began to walk cautiously as we approached the face of the solid barn it was lit up by morning sun almost as magical as a dusting of fairy powder spread over the ground in which they walked. We pushed open the door and climbed inside the most natural and most beautiful smiles spread across all their faces. Horses happily greeted us with their own form of happiness. Given us a chance to collect our thoughts as we embraced each one with a friendly greeting. Noting all the strange names that were given to a sign above their heads and wonder how each one was given to them. With some grace we approached the stall of a horse in which had no name he was bright eyed and as anxious to meet its new family members. He sniffed the air and gave his full attention to us. Me and Daddy smiled at each other and grabbed each others hands as if we about to fall off the edge of reality because what we were about to do was to share with our family the news that this was not just a dream anymore and that we have a new family member to name. Wild eyes starred at me cautious straying away from me at the same time it was taking a little more time for the information to settle in ones mind she looked up with a stream of tears half of joy half of pain blankly she uttered the words..thank you..and the little ones followed suit. Magic is what his name became as I slowly opened my eyes to greet the start of a new day and an overwhelming notion that this was only a dream lead me to feel more pain and anguish than I wish to endure.
Its been while folks since the last time I was able to write the little one is fast asleep and three cups of coffee later I will not be able to climb back into bed anytime soon as sleep is over for the day. So much has been spiraling and conspiring against the steps we have taken to keep our faith alive in hopes to conquer our fears. This week may not have been so awful to face if it were not for my new employment and a busted four wheel contraption. Together we are fighting through this. Together we are eager to enter a stress free zone. One day at a time are words I am trying to convince myself of, one day at a time to process the emotions and heartache and disappointments…fighting through the mental stuff is proving to be the biggest leap of faith..our oldest is disgusted with her school her classmates have no limits on showing their dislike for her.. matter of fact..this momma bear has to speak up and stand up for her they have accused her of being gay…lets see…she is nine..with no sexual preference..and now is concerned overwhelmed with this notion of gay…uneducated I may add..so late last night I had to give her an idea of what gay is..it is difficult..I explained that they are bullying..and I might just pull her out of school today..not sure how much more I can handle…the other day it was her skirt..she wore a skirt and apparently one other girl assumed she was copying her..really..they wear uniforms and the other day it was 63 degrees..skirts are allowed..seems like these kids are just really messed up..and the teacher was just injured by another student too…ugh..believe me when I say I want to pull her out and let her be home schooled..I have not one issue with that..our other child that attends cannot handle home school and she functions well in her school..but at the same time she brings home a whole lot of new attitudes to try on us..and well I guess they are ready..to be home schooled. but with all the remainder of stress..in our home..taking them out gives them no outlets..we have no other soul who they share their time with..not one single person..to play with or talk with. Stumped.
So I am tired of watching someone use the power of being a parent to get back at an ex spouse for the sole purpose of seeking revenge against them…actually it fucking breaks my heart…honestly its disturbing..sure it temporary makes you feel powerful and feel like it is the right thing to do to trash talk an ex…it messes children up..my dear…the scars they will have to seek professional help at some point in there lives..is that worth the price to condemn your ex…does it really get you off…it is also child abuse…deemed in the court of law…yes you have messed with his heart and you should feel so fucking proud..but me you just got yourself someone to answer to…I believe in children rights…I believe that no child should ever have to be convinced that they are happy and have it better somewhere else..the last phone call was incredible by far…his attempt to talk to his daughter and you had other men answer the phone laughing at him..REally!! How immature!! There are laws my dear a vast amount of laws that protect children and one way or another the proof is in the pudding!! The truth will come out and still cannot undo the damage caused by your hate…I let you get away with using your hate to hurt my children…because hate is something taught…so deny it all you want do your research…years of study has been done because of immature parents..they know how to know these things and when things are lies pure and simple..how can you live with knowing that all the years he has been a great father to them…his love for them has never been questioned really has it? The truth is you feel beneath him and belittled because his love is unconditional for them and you have been hurt…it is really not about you…his relationship should only be about the children and no longer about you..you remarried and gave birth in the same year and divorced him..he has tried…tried..and tried.. his only mistake is when he fights for something he loves you are blind…and simply dumb..maybe numb…so do you think win a prize in the end…do you think the children will come to love you more…simply because you point out his flaws…I just want to wake you up..the pain the children are going through cannot be undone and they will need to know that their father does indeed love them..you just have to allow it…there is no shame if you really do love them too..since when is having love from two parents deemed immoral…I know he may never hear you say the words “sorry” and perhaps you never have to utter those words but I think it is bullshit that you claim you could not contact him in three years…he has never relocated…his phone number has been the same since his father and grandfather were alive..lying to the kids only hurts them…it is not all about you…your daughter is confused..because of your words…your hate…if you hate her father she blames herself…she spent nine years knowing and caring for her father..she also thinks she should hate herself for wanting to see him..so telling him that she wants to see him and then saying he cannot is ill will you relocated without informing him.. you did not give him a contact number…put yourself in your children shoes for a week…you know it is all about blowing smoke…saddest part is I am a witness to this kind of cruel abuse and I will no longer sit back and watch you destroy the kids future..I will fight..for children rights..somehow I will make good on my word..you may think you are in fact winning a prize by breaking down the man your children love and have called dad all these years but in fact you are losing your children faith in love, relationships, and self worth. Please educate yourself..also I have been disgusted with knowing too that your daughter was molested and you have denied her mental health services..little odd..denying it ever happened does not assist your child…educate yourself please..that is wrong..and not in the best interest of the child..
I have been witness to a room full of young children all in a mental health facility searching for answers. Parents baffled beyond their means and teenagers full of robust anger towards them. Some how I am not at alone at that moment, somehow I belong to an elite group of folks all who have managed to realize that there is help for them. Back and forth I toss my ideas in my head about starting a non-profit and dumbfounded by the vast information which speaks about success in the field of my aspirations. I have gone from a garden center, family center, and now to a camp for families recovering from mental health problems. It speaks to me in such a way that soothes my soul and everything I envisioned. A place special where families can reunite together in nature the fun way!! Unified ideas. Working together. Learning together. Coping together.
How many families desire a vacation after the dizzy spells of doctor after doctor and would love a chance to unwind and relearn and adapt to life whether newly medicated or soberness? Just for family. Free of charge. Some place to learn through play!! It is everything I want to do and then some. We could have a place to sit around a camp fire and toast marshmallows and sing on top of our lungs. Learn a new hobby like horseback riding!! Man I am ready to go!! Families search for something like this!! Yet, having the staff to care for those manic moments or anxiety in a home setting. Having support within the family structure at your disposal for a period of time is priceless!!
This is it!! I got a whole lot more to learn…whose ready?
Yesterday I sat and stared at this simple graph and thought to myself that my child has a mood disorder along side with depression, anxiety, o.c.d. …and I pondered and thought some more she is relying on me as fragile as all our children are these days learning how to cope through life learning healthy manageable ways to get through difficult times of sadness..the one thought that keeps playing through my mind is do I really want her to squander all her creativity and intelligence and give it up in order for her to digest the rest of the world. I have seen how these pills alter a person’s personality and slow them down. I love her for who she is..I have accepted who she is angry, mad, happy, and sad as I have done so all her life for that is who she is and that is what drives her…sure there have been some hard times seeing her sad and upset…sure there have been times when I prayed for her to have help..there has got to be a way to learn the skills and not the pills…she is only nine… with the intelligence beyond her years..maybe if I speak up and ask her what she wants I mean we all struggle even as adults perhaps diagnosing her is one thing medicating is another….as a kid I was abused by my father and older siblings although I became depressed and suffered many years through depression turning to self-medicating and such I got control..I regained self-control by accepting who I am and who I am not..I channeled my soul to the arts and music..although I was sad..I found ways to cope I escaped to the outdoors..read books..found strength in myself I never imagined I had within me..courage to be myself and love every bit of myself. She too can have those aspects of life…and learn to accept herself and love herself….as we speak she is not suffering everyday…she finds ways…with her family we make our best efforts not to upset her..we do art, music, and outdoors…I have an understanding that most folks who have mood disorders are not diagnosed until there have reach puberty..she has yet..so I sit and think some more..I wonder how many wish their parents noticed sooner their mental health concerns…and what is your opinion…hopes or dreams..did you wish you could have more help in your youth? ? ? See she does not fight me with doctors and stuff she trusts them as I have but honestly I wonder if we are on the right path and mood stabilizers is the way to go…
I remember in my youth there came a day I had asked my mom if my dad really loved me ( and for folks who do not know my father was an abusive man who is serving life in prison for abusing his children) the thing that shocked me was she said, “Yes, your father loved you, he loved all of you very much,” she had not spoken poorly of him in any way. Believe me she had plenty of scars and memories of him being an evil man, however she understood that his love he held in his heart was not for her to determine or undermine. She respected his parental rights some would even say. She did not conspire against him or wish him ill fate in front me. I thank her for that. I thank her because she has allowed me to believe that he loved me in the best ways he knew how and it has allowed me to accept life how it was without worrying and conspiring against him. I simply have lost a father due to the many remaining facts. Hence, the word facts, not something made up but pure honesty proven in court and by the scars of me and my family endured.
For so many reasons my mind is always pondering this topic because I know women who smash their child’s hope of having two loving parents. There is nothing wrong with that, is there? Instead these women are bashing their failed relationships and placing blame instead of just loving their children in the present moment. Something illegal I may add, It is called P.A.S. and most parents can seek legal aides and regain custody. I see it today everywhere. Do your research it is a mental health issue too? If a parent is preventing the children from seeing the other parent, if they are told bad things about the other parent, placing hate, you name it…its called P.A.S. There is extreme cases where the parent even goes as far as to say that the other parent has started a “new life” and has moved on. Even if that parent has already remarried and has had another child. That parent will evoke hate inspiring her children to also hate….it breaks my heart knowing that these poor children grow up in such a vulgar way and we wonder why their future involves horrible fates. It can be stopped though education. Education is valuable. There is help.
It was discussed today for an hour long the debate of a label…does a label come with a cure? I am not really shocked to say the least the battles I have triumphed neither winning or losing the battles of the unknown accepting defeat either way. Witnessing barriers broken and the rabbit hole swallowing her self control. Intelligence beyond her years. Emotional like a two year old’s first time hearing the word “no”, sensitive to loud noises and afraid of the night. Sleepless yet full of robust energy. Flying higher than I have ever imagined. Crashing into a whirl wind of disappointments.
I cry for her daily. I cry because her world makes her a victim and not a survivor. I cry for her because discovering new ways to battle her level of emotions is a battle fought with prescriptions. Her level of intelligence makes her neglect her self worth for she is worthy of love and capable of loving.
I want a world where she can be accepted for having emotions no matter what she is feeling…angry or happy and sad. I want her to feel those feelings and express them the way she chooses. I want her to feel freedom and not abandonment. I want to tell her yes to every time she confesses the desire to think big and outside the box. I want her to be accepted by her peers rather than surrendering her innocence and confidence.
Our youngest asked for brownies yesterday at first I said we did not have any she walked away with a sad look upon her face. I sat for a moment then got up from my seat and arranged the ingredients to my surprise I had them all and started to tend to the task at hand. She came into the kitchen (chicken is what she says) and asked what was I doing, I told her making brownies, she was so happy and I asked her to help. I placed the bowl in front of her with the spoon and asked for her to mix it all up. Her eyes lit up as she looked at me maybe she was shocked that I needed her help. So proudly she gave it her best for brownie batter sometimes is very difficult to manipulate with every ump and every attempt she was trying her best. She had managed to get some on her fingers and was looking at me like she had made a mistake I said go ahead and lick it. She smiled and was delighted as it tasted so good. That moment was so sweet to me one in which I will treasure forever. It is those little moments that I never want to loose sight of for it allows me to feel like it was me sitting in the chicken waiting to get a chance to lick the spoon. She said I was a good cooker and I told her she was indeed a good helper.
Often times we let these little moments pass us by with our children growing a little more each day. Often times we loose sight of the promises we have in our heart to share kindness and a smile. We get wrapped up in our own thoughts forgetting that little eyes are watching and learning and desiring an ounce of our true attention. I am guilty of this. The other day was hard for me to go through although I was not alone in my pain I felt as I was alone. Very alone. I lost my mother six years ago on that very day and although I forgot what day it was my family had reminded me via social mediums. I wrote an ounce of what my thoughts were at the time yet no one can really be told of my feelings I had to endure and how I had to discover ways to cope through my sadness. I was with her that day she could no longer breath on her own as she ran into walls screaming I cannot breath. I was living with her at the time with our two oldest children whom had no idea the situation. What was I going through no one understood…two very small children loved their grandma…what was I going to tell them.. where did she go..although she survived the next two weeks her only function was breathing..she had a DNR..so hospice got involved and delivered her home and within a few minutes she really did take her last breath. Not one family member expressed their concern for me or our children. I carry this anger around with me. Still to this day they have no idea how much I struggle….yet I have forgiven them..and attempt to let this anger go..its gets me though..from time to time..I give it permission to harden my heart..but then I remind myself that these little moments that I get to share with our children they are missing and when they look back perhaps they will say sorry for not being there for me or the children. Really who gives a crap about me..it should be about the kids..who will they call family?