So I am tired of watching someone use the power of being a parent to get back at an ex spouse for the sole purpose of seeking revenge against them…actually it fucking breaks my heart…honestly its disturbing..sure it temporary makes you feel powerful and feel like it is the right thing to do to trash talk an ex…it messes children up..my dear…the scars they will have to seek professional help at some point in there lives..is that worth the price to condemn your ex…does it really get you off…it is also child abuse…deemed in the court of law…yes you have messed with his heart and you should feel so fucking proud..but me you just got yourself someone to answer to…I believe in children rights…I believe that no child should ever have to be convinced that they are happy and have it better somewhere else..the last phone call was incredible by far…his attempt to talk to his daughter and you had other men answer the phone laughing at him..REally!! How immature!! There are laws my dear a vast amount of laws that protect children and one way or another the proof is in the pudding!! The truth will come out and still cannot undo the damage caused by your hate…I let you get away with using your hate to hurt my children…because hate is something taught…so deny it all you want do your research…years of study has been done because of immature parents..they know how to know these things and when things are lies pure and simple..how can you live with knowing that all the years he has been a great father to them…his love for them has never been questioned really has it? The truth is you feel beneath him and belittled because his love is unconditional for them and you have been hurt…it is really not about you…his relationship should only be about the children and no longer about you..you remarried and gave birth in the same year and divorced him..he has tried…tried..and tried.. his only mistake is when he fights for something he loves you are blind…and simply dumb..maybe numb…so do you think win a prize in the end…do you think the children will come to love you more…simply because you point out his flaws…I just want to wake you up..the pain the children are going through cannot be undone and they will need to know that their father does indeed love them..you just have to allow it…there is no shame if you really do love them too..since when is having love from two parents deemed immoral…I know he may never hear you say the words “sorry” and perhaps you never have to utter those words but I think it is bullshit that you claim you could not contact him in three years…he has never relocated…his phone number has been the same since his father and grandfather were alive..lying to the kids only hurts them…it is not all about you…your daughter is confused..because of your words…your hate…if you hate her father she blames herself…she spent nine years knowing and caring for her father..she also thinks she should hate herself for wanting to see him..so telling him that she wants to see him and then saying he cannot is ill will you relocated without informing him.. you did not give him a contact number…put yourself in your children shoes for a week…you know it is all about blowing smoke…saddest part is I am a witness to this kind of cruel abuse and I will no longer sit back and watch you destroy the kids future..I will fight..for children rights..somehow I will make good on my word..you may think you are in fact winning a prize by breaking down the man your children love and have called dad all these years but in fact you are losing your children faith in love, relationships, and self worth. Please educate yourself..also I have been disgusted with knowing too that your daughter was molested and you have denied her mental health services..little odd..denying it ever happened does not assist your child…educate yourself please..that is wrong..and not in the best interest of the child..
Archive for March, 2013
I have been witness to a room full of young children all in a mental health facility searching for answers. Parents baffled beyond their means and teenagers full of robust anger towards them. Some how I am not at alone at that moment, somehow I belong to an elite group of folks all who have managed to realize that there is help for them. Back and forth I toss my ideas in my head about starting a non-profit and dumbfounded by the vast information which speaks about success in the field of my aspirations. I have gone from a garden center, family center, and now to a camp for families recovering from mental health problems. It speaks to me in such a way that soothes my soul and everything I envisioned. A place special where families can reunite together in nature the fun way!! Unified ideas. Working together. Learning together. Coping together.
How many families desire a vacation after the dizzy spells of doctor after doctor and would love a chance to unwind and relearn and adapt to life whether newly medicated or soberness? Just for family. Free of charge. Some place to learn through play!! It is everything I want to do and then some. We could have a place to sit around a camp fire and toast marshmallows and sing on top of our lungs. Learn a new hobby like horseback riding!! Man I am ready to go!! Families search for something like this!! Yet, having the staff to care for those manic moments or anxiety in a home setting. Having support within the family structure at your disposal for a period of time is priceless!!
This is it!! I got a whole lot more to learn…whose ready?
Yesterday I sat and stared at this simple graph and thought to myself that my child has a mood disorder along side with depression, anxiety, o.c.d. …and I pondered and thought some more she is relying on me as fragile as all our children are these days learning how to cope through life learning healthy manageable ways to get through difficult times of sadness..the one thought that keeps playing through my mind is do I really want her to squander all her creativity and intelligence and give it up in order for her to digest the rest of the world. I have seen how these pills alter a person’s personality and slow them down. I love her for who she is..I have accepted who she is angry, mad, happy, and sad as I have done so all her life for that is who she is and that is what drives her…sure there have been some hard times seeing her sad and upset…sure there have been times when I prayed for her to have help..there has got to be a way to learn the skills and not the pills…she is only nine… with the intelligence beyond her years..maybe if I speak up and ask her what she wants I mean we all struggle even as adults perhaps diagnosing her is one thing medicating is another….as a kid I was abused by my father and older siblings although I became depressed and suffered many years through depression turning to self-medicating and such I got control..I regained self-control by accepting who I am and who I am not..I channeled my soul to the arts and music..although I was sad..I found ways to cope I escaped to the outdoors..read books..found strength in myself I never imagined I had within me..courage to be myself and love every bit of myself. She too can have those aspects of life…and learn to accept herself and love herself….as we speak she is not suffering everyday…she finds ways…with her family we make our best efforts not to upset her..we do art, music, and outdoors…I have an understanding that most folks who have mood disorders are not diagnosed until there have reach puberty..she has yet..so I sit and think some more..I wonder how many wish their parents noticed sooner their mental health concerns…and what is your opinion…hopes or dreams..did you wish you could have more help in your youth? ? ? See she does not fight me with doctors and stuff she trusts them as I have but honestly I wonder if we are on the right path and mood stabilizers is the way to go…
I remember in my youth there came a day I had asked my mom if my dad really loved me ( and for folks who do not know my father was an abusive man who is serving life in prison for abusing his children) the thing that shocked me was she said, “Yes, your father loved you, he loved all of you very much,” she had not spoken poorly of him in any way. Believe me she had plenty of scars and memories of him being an evil man, however she understood that his love he held in his heart was not for her to determine or undermine. She respected his parental rights some would even say. She did not conspire against him or wish him ill fate in front me. I thank her for that. I thank her because she has allowed me to believe that he loved me in the best ways he knew how and it has allowed me to accept life how it was without worrying and conspiring against him. I simply have lost a father due to the many remaining facts. Hence, the word facts, not something made up but pure honesty proven in court and by the scars of me and my family endured.
For so many reasons my mind is always pondering this topic because I know women who smash their child’s hope of having two loving parents. There is nothing wrong with that, is there? Instead these women are bashing their failed relationships and placing blame instead of just loving their children in the present moment. Something illegal I may add, It is called P.A.S. and most parents can seek legal aides and regain custody. I see it today everywhere. Do your research it is a mental health issue too? If a parent is preventing the children from seeing the other parent, if they are told bad things about the other parent, placing hate, you name it…its called P.A.S. There is extreme cases where the parent even goes as far as to say that the other parent has started a “new life” and has moved on. Even if that parent has already remarried and has had another child. That parent will evoke hate inspiring her children to also hate….it breaks my heart knowing that these poor children grow up in such a vulgar way and we wonder why their future involves horrible fates. It can be stopped though education. Education is valuable. There is help.
It was discussed today for an hour long the debate of a label…does a label come with a cure? I am not really shocked to say the least the battles I have triumphed neither winning or losing the battles of the unknown accepting defeat either way. Witnessing barriers broken and the rabbit hole swallowing her self control. Intelligence beyond her years. Emotional like a two year old’s first time hearing the word “no”, sensitive to loud noises and afraid of the night. Sleepless yet full of robust energy. Flying higher than I have ever imagined. Crashing into a whirl wind of disappointments.
I cry for her daily. I cry because her world makes her a victim and not a survivor. I cry for her because discovering new ways to battle her level of emotions is a battle fought with prescriptions. Her level of intelligence makes her neglect her self worth for she is worthy of love and capable of loving.
I want a world where she can be accepted for having emotions no matter what she is feeling…angry or happy and sad. I want her to feel those feelings and express them the way she chooses. I want her to feel freedom and not abandonment. I want to tell her yes to every time she confesses the desire to think big and outside the box. I want her to be accepted by her peers rather than surrendering her innocence and confidence.
Our youngest asked for brownies yesterday at first I said we did not have any she walked away with a sad look upon her face. I sat for a moment then got up from my seat and arranged the ingredients to my surprise I had them all and started to tend to the task at hand. She came into the kitchen (chicken is what she says) and asked what was I doing, I told her making brownies, she was so happy and I asked her to help. I placed the bowl in front of her with the spoon and asked for her to mix it all up. Her eyes lit up as she looked at me maybe she was shocked that I needed her help. So proudly she gave it her best for brownie batter sometimes is very difficult to manipulate with every ump and every attempt she was trying her best. She had managed to get some on her fingers and was looking at me like she had made a mistake I said go ahead and lick it. She smiled and was delighted as it tasted so good. That moment was so sweet to me one in which I will treasure forever. It is those little moments that I never want to loose sight of for it allows me to feel like it was me sitting in the chicken waiting to get a chance to lick the spoon. She said I was a good cooker and I told her she was indeed a good helper.
Often times we let these little moments pass us by with our children growing a little more each day. Often times we loose sight of the promises we have in our heart to share kindness and a smile. We get wrapped up in our own thoughts forgetting that little eyes are watching and learning and desiring an ounce of our true attention. I am guilty of this. The other day was hard for me to go through although I was not alone in my pain I felt as I was alone. Very alone. I lost my mother six years ago on that very day and although I forgot what day it was my family had reminded me via social mediums. I wrote an ounce of what my thoughts were at the time yet no one can really be told of my feelings I had to endure and how I had to discover ways to cope through my sadness. I was with her that day she could no longer breath on her own as she ran into walls screaming I cannot breath. I was living with her at the time with our two oldest children whom had no idea the situation. What was I going through no one understood…two very small children loved their grandma…what was I going to tell them.. where did she go..although she survived the next two weeks her only function was breathing..she had a DNR..so hospice got involved and delivered her home and within a few minutes she really did take her last breath. Not one family member expressed their concern for me or our children. I carry this anger around with me. Still to this day they have no idea how much I struggle….yet I have forgiven them..and attempt to let this anger go..its gets me though..from time to time..I give it permission to harden my heart..but then I remind myself that these little moments that I get to share with our children they are missing and when they look back perhaps they will say sorry for not being there for me or the children. Really who gives a crap about me..it should be about the kids..who will they call family?
There is this template of life drawn into memories that are painful the draft catches the drift… drawn inward retracing memories..the expression on her face..spiraling..unable to push the air into her lungs..running to grab a phone…waiting for hope to surface..ten minutes seemed as if it was all we had…and in those ten minutes those last ten minutes of me looking straight into her blue eyes how she had to keep trying to breath expressing how much I love her acknowledging her love for me acknowledging this could be the last time we speak to one another..holding her..kissing her forehead..rocking her..needing her..wiping the tears..screaming for help…red lights..no words can really describe the impact of that moment…that moment and this moment..love is all you got…give it..hug your loved ones..do all things in love..and never let a day go by without being thankful for this day this moment and all your moments for if you wake up and one day discovered you forgot to…and that time never came..
There inside all of us is a quiet storm one which can take many years to fully lead to a break down. Other storms multiply and divide and sometimes completely take over our very soul for a period of time. These quiet storms scream and dance to the sounds of the outside world while others are hushed and lulled to sleep by a deep sadness no one can comprehend. Keeping us at bay and a watchful eye on our loyalty to ourselves. Dignity seldom knocks on the door twice let alone numerous times. It flows as it unfolds new treasures that no one knows.
Quietly the thunder rolls and takes control.
I am an observer on most occasions. Today I am both.
Bi-polar parenting 